Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
