I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
