ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
