I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
