Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
