I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
