my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize