I faked an abortion last night.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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