he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
