C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
