just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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