There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
