my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
