I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
