Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I need to sanitize my soul.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
