It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can I color on your dick again?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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