Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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