you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
