Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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