my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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