last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
