You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
