I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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