He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
false alarm, still single
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize