Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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