Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
