life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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