if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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