I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
