hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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