I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
