Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
