a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
