I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
