Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
