Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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