her vagine was all disorganized.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize