is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
