I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
