need another drink. this is the easiest way
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
