I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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