I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
