Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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