grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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