I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
