And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
