Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
