Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
