my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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