Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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