I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
