i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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