Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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