My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's official drugs can't kill me
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
