It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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