he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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