way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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