Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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