I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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