If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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