hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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