When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
